60 Days in Bali, by Akerz

After recovering from an early mid-life crisis at 30, I felt the time was ripe for a break from normal life. So here I am, alone on a journey of discovery in the island of the Gods. Below are my mediocre memoirs.

Days: 21 - current, 11 - 20 & 1 - 10.

Day 20 - Monday 7th July 08 (Kuta)

~2pm Today, it's now been exactly 12 months since I officially retired and somewhat arrogantly held my own retirement party while still in my 20s. What followed since 7/7/7 was probably the best 6 months of my life but after one stupid mistake it was backed up with the worst 6 months of my life. I now have a totally new perspective on life and money, particularly after spending time in Bali and seeing the happiest people around and yet they seemed to have nothing. If the next 40 days are going to be as half as good as the last 20, then I'll be stoked.

I packed my bags and got ready to change rooms but yet again Sayang Maha Mertha had stuffed up my booking somehow. I went down to reception and said I'm checking out but also checking in, ie. I'm changing rooms. They couldn't find any record of my new booking so I resorted to getting my laptop out and showing them an email sent by themselves that said "Thank you for choosing Sayang hotel, we had your reservation confirmed at our hotel for 14 nights through Lonely Planet, arrival on July 07, 2008." Now everybody there knows that I'm carrying around a sparkling new Toshiba Satellite which is probably worth a lifetimes salary to some of these people. So anyway, I have proof that it was their mistake this time so they can fix it up. I'm fanging for a nice warm shower or bath. Feeling a tad oily after a week with only cold water.

~8pm Superior room they call it? It's smaller than what I had but I guess it's better. It has a TV, aircon & balcony but still no hot water or fridge. Meh, it'll do I guess. Can't complain for $16 a night.

I did the old washing in the bath trick and threw all my dirty clothes in. Only problem was that after I put all my dirty clothes in, I had none left. Not even one clean sock to give me some modesty. So I just lounged around stark naked for hours waiting for something to dry. Gave up after a while and put on some boardies and singlet and set out. Sun was stilling riding the sky so I figured by walking around, the clothes would be dry soon enough.

Strange thing happened as I was walking passed a hair salon. This pommy dude pokes his head out and says "hey mate, do you mind doing me a small favour!?". He wanted me to finish doing his hair as for the life of him, he could not get the hair dresser to understand. I been in the same salon before and had the same problem with it being totally uneven. He had been drawing all these diagrams for the girls trying to explain that all he wanted was for it to be evened up. No success. So here comes Akerz to the rescue. Gave him a nice mohawk and was on my way.

Had a feed at an italian joint in Tuban which I'd been to before. I haven't been too impressed with the service at a lot of places here. They keep bringing out the wrong drinks or forgetting orders or simply just taking forever. This joint forgot about my cup of tea and then forgot about my food. I hadn't taken a book with me so I pretty much memorised this weeks Bali Times just while waiting for my dinner.

Meh. Must be due for a DVD and about 12 hours sleep. Goodnight.

Day 19 - Sunday 6th July 08 (Kuta)

Another day, another pair of cheap sunglasses. Gave my stupid ones to some girl in the street as I forgot to take my lollies with me and had nothing to give her. She was too embarrased to put them on but I talked her into it, she looked groovy, the sunnies covered her whole head.

Went for a kick arse long jog along the beach this morning. Was hard work as the tide was right in & there was nowhere solid to run, it was either soft sand or mud. Normally I just jog on the dry sand which has been compacted by the waves etc. Meh. My Bintang Belly hasn't expanded any further despite the large quantities of alcohol I been consuming. Today was my first jog since the Triathlon the week before.

Still suffering from this blastid flu but am a lot better than yesterday. My voice is coming back and it did me wonders last night to have a quiet night in rather than out boozing. The Bar manager here suggested I go see a quack and just write it up using my travel insurance. Not a bad idea but I don't think it's necessary.

Had an awesome chicken parmigiana at Simpang for $4, then wandered down to Paddys to pick up the CD of photos. Opened it up and it again had all random people on there and I figured it was the same CD as last night. Then I looked in another folder and there we were, the Bali six in about 50 photos.

I visited a pharmacy again tonight while out getting groceries, they took one look at me and rattled off a long list of things I need. Eye drops, sleeping tablets, hangover cure, cough medicine, anti inflammatories, throat lozenges and for some reason they added libido tablets. All I wanted was some face masks! Which I found this time! Even before I got sick, I was trying to find some but with no joy. The smoke and pollution here can be a bit unbearable. The other night while eating dinner, I think I smoked a whole truckload of garbage that was being burnt off around the corner. The life expectancy of the Balinese is only about 60 years (compared to our 82) and I think the smoke and pollution plays a major role. For instance, the life expectancy of Balinese living in rural areas is an extra 4 years.

So anyway, I put the face mask on as I walked passed the few restaurants that have fans blowing smoke into your face as you walk by. I held the mask to my face and gave the staff daggers. Then I thought what the hell and put it on for the rest of the long trip down the main strip. Not sure if it's an insult to the locals ("hey, I think your island stinks") but everybody and I mean EVERYBODY looked and a few made random comments. I'm frankly surprised I haven't seen anyone else wearing one... fine, I'll be the black sheep again, no need for me to conform to everyone elses face dress standards.

Looking forward to chilling tomorrow, hopefully I'll be closer to 100% health. I've only finished one book in 19 days, normally I turn over at least 2 or 3 a fortnight. I've also got a bit of 'work' piling up so will knock that on the head.

Day 18 - Saturday 5th July 08 (Kuta)

Another crazy night out last night. Started out rather tame but I for one drank plenty. My voice kept coming and going. It hurt to talk but not so much with half a bottle of vodka followed by half a bottle of Jimbo.

The boys were off on a 2am flight and still hadn't thought about packing by 7pm. Half my wardrobe seemed to be at their hotel room as every second time I went around, I'd leave whatever I was wearing so we could go get gay matching singlets. Had dinner and drinks at the Sky Lounge with the girls again before popping over to Paddys to order photos. I enquired about getting them on CD or USB stick and the guy said yeah maybe, come back tomorrow and see my boss.

We farewelled the boys from the girls hotel room and I wandered back to my room, had a shower and was about to go to bed... then my phone rang but it was in the 'safe' and by the time I found the key and got it out, I'd missed the call. I figured the only people that know I'm still up are the boys so I messaged Wes back asking if he just rang. Sure enough, their plane had been delayed 5 hours and they wanted to come back into town and squeeze in a few more Bintangs. They sms'd saying we'll meet you back at the girls hotel room in 15 minutes. In the state I was in, I fully thought they were trying to stooge me and I'd end up going and waking the girls up only to find out later that the boys were on the plane laughing their way back to Perth. So I waited out the front on their hotel and sure enough after 20 minutes, the boys were back and ready for more Bintangs & a feed.

Later, on the way back to my hotel, I thought I'd pop into the Bounty for a quick nightcap. I accidentally ended up having to run the gauntlet through about 50 prostitutes out the front. It was disgusting, they were all feeling me up as I went passed and grabbing me as if they wanted to pay me rather than the other way around. It should have been an ego boost but I just felt disgusted. One of them grabbed me and put all her weight on my arm as if she was a monkey swinging from a tree. She was the only one I had any eye contact with as I swung around and gave her the look of death "let go or you'll be the first girl I've ever king hit in the freaking head". After that, I wasn't in the mood for any fun. Had a quick whiskey and a perv but noticed the club was just full of stupid drunk kids, so I left.

So that was last night (this morning)... today, well I didn't do much other than spend it recovering. I went for a longish wander, trying to get my bearings beyond just the main strips. With my map in hand, I walked to the DFS Galleria shopping centre, mainly because I wanted to know where the cinemas were. Saw the girls at one stage on the other side of the road but when I went to holler out, nothing came but a small croak. Figured I'd bump into them later anyway.

Went into Paddys to pick up my photos and discuss getting them on CD. The photography staff weren't there so they said came back later... I came back later but the photography girl couldn't speak english so she said come back later... again, I went back later and found the guys I needed to converse with. Bit hard negotiating between a language barrier and having no voice operational certainly didn't help. I figured it wouldn't cost them anything to simply transfer the photos to CD so made them a small offer which they laughed at. They wanted to charge the same as what they charged to have them printed. That was fair enough actually as we could not only put them online but we could print multiple copies of them at our leisure and at any size we wanted. I let it slip that I work on the internet so they were a bit worried I was going to sell them online etc. Anyway, I negotiated a good price inbetween my joke offer and their normal price. I then set to work going through about a hundred sheets of photos from the past two weeks. I most likely missed plenty but found 50 of myself, the boys or of the girls.

Picked up some other photos from the print joint and took some round to the girls hotel. Didn't want to visit their room unannounced and uninvited so just left them at reception for them, not realising at the time that the photos could sit there forever as the girls didn't know there was anything there to pick up.

Back at my hotel, I sat at the cool bar here and ordered a big pot of boiling hot mud (Bali Coffee). I needed something so hot that it would not only burn my lips, my tounge, my mouth & my gums but also all the nasties that are lining my throat and causing me to sound like a frog. The Bar Manager had never seen my face before and was like, 'This is your first day here, yeah?'. I then had to explain to him that actually been staying there almost a week but all I'd been doing is coming back, sleeping and then going out again. He was chatting away asking if I was on my own which I had to reply 'yeahhhhh' but then I remembered I had my photos with me so I showed him them and pretended that I'm Mr Social. Gave him the heads up that my sister was coming to Bali to join me soonish. Yeah so wow, Akerz had a conversation with someone while sober. Croak.

The photographer at Paddys said come back tonight and I'll have the CD for you. So I went back at 8pm thinking that was night time. Nope, he was nowhere to be found. Security told me to come back at 9pm so I did that. Nope... still not there. I seriously had had enough walking to and from Paddys all day so I sat down and grabbed a beer or two... well it was three actually before he finally arrived. He said take a seat while he booted his Toshy and loaded the CD. He pointed at the first photo and said this one, yeah? I was like 'nope'. It was not only of random people but it was such a crap photo that even if I was in it, I wouldn't order it. He then flicked through about 10 and they were all of random people. Not one of any of us. He then realised he'd stuffed up. Not sure how? Perhaps he had photos from 2007 instead of 2008. I had given him the dates and the photo numbers found on the sheets I went through but I didn't think I'd need to write 2008 anywhere. He apologised and said he'd have it ready tomorrow.

That was me, over and done. Back at the hotel, I sat back, relaxed and went to nod town.

Day 17 - Friday 4th July 08 (Kuta)

The boys had waited until their very last day (today) to do some touristy stuff. Every other day/night, they spent out partying or recovering. I tagged along with them for a ride out to the Safari Park near Ubud. My voice was croaky and I was hungover again, surprise surprise. We went on a few lame rides. One was rather insane and I'm so glad I passed on it. It looked just like a passive kiddy ride but the boys jumped on and it went nuts, bouncing up and down, round in circles, then backwards. The way I was feeling, there was no doubt I would have thrown my guts up... and knowing me, it could quite possibly could have come out both ends.

Saw some elephants, took some photos, went on the Safari. Was all well and good but nothing overly exiting. The Safari was cool, a lot of the animals there I had never even heard of, let alone seen before. Had lunch at the restaurant there which had a pretty weird setup going. There was about 20 spare staff standing around doing nothing and yet when our meals or drinks were ready, they would just yell at us and we had to go fetch them ourselves.

Day 16 - Thursday 3rd July 08 (Kuta)

Quiet night last night... in comparison. Had a feed at the Ocean Beach Club where we stuck around and chilled for about 4 hours. Some 'magician' dude came and did some crazy arse card tricks. Pretty impressive. We made it to Paddys again but I for one didn't stay long, sunk a few waters and then headed home. Was in bed before the sun came up this time.

Tonight, we met up with the girls again and had an awesome dinner in Jimbaran Bay. We got there early and scored front row seats to watch the sunset. I still had the flu and had resorted to scoring some pseudoephedrine which made me just a little crazy. Went back to the girls hotel room and drank plenty more, took plenty more photos, then went out to Paddys (for a change). What happened from there, who knows, I was a gonner. I vaguely remember getting jiggy with a Norwegian Fish Burger.

Day 15 - Wednesday 2nd July 08 (Kuta/Jimbaran)

Relaxing day of recovering, yet again. Last night was another crazy night. Had the flu real bad but went out on the juice anyway. Went out for a feed at Apache and were then joined randomly by three girls who we apparently met the night before (although I had no recollection). They obviously knew my friends so I introduced myself only to be told, 'um yeah Mike, we met you last night'. They even had photos of me on their cameras. I had no idea who the hell they were, not one iota.

At dinner (last night still), we tried one of those Muslim bong things and smoked down some fruit of some kind (tasted like strawberry rocky road). I woke up this morning feeling like I'd been chugging on Cigars all night. Then I remembered the bong bong. Bad idea in hindsight.

It was then crazy antics at Paddys/Bounty and then back at Bounty hotel where we tried to take photos of ourselves underwater drinking Bintangs etc. Wes was dared by someone to jump off a Hindu statue that was pool side... which he did. A heated argument then followed with the Hindu pool attendant who was deeply offended. I joined in trying to pretend I spoke fluent Bahasa. The attendant wanted to have me evicted and asked what room I was in so I told him honestly that it was room number 76. I just forgot to mention to him that I'm staying in a different hotel and technically had no right to even be there. That's about all I can remember from last night, until some more photos jog my memory.

Day 14 - Tuesday 1st June 08 (Kuta/Jimbaran)

Recovery. Last night was wild. I remember dancing on Podiums and such so I must have had a few liver killers.

Got raped by mosquitoes last night. One cheeky fella even bit me on the eyelid. I woke up to find my left eye had swollen up from either the bite or me rubbing it all night. It looked hell scary but thankfully the swelling went down after a while. I scribbled mossie repellent on my hand.

Day 13 - Monday 30th June 08 (Kuta/Jimbaran)

~1pm Oh my freaking Jiggy. Vodka & Bourbon flavoured hangover. I like it. Much better than the freaking 3 day Arak headache crap.

When my alarm went off this morning, I whacked stop/snooze thinking I must have still had it set from days ago. Then as I was about to fall back to sleep, I realised that I had set it intentionally & was supposed to get outa there and change hotels again. So here I am at Sayang Maha Mertha, my 5th hotel room in 13 days. Paying just $10 a night here but I met a Kiwi bloke this morning who took the cake, he was staying at Simpang Inn for just $5 a night! With breakfast!

I have no idea what I did all day.

The results for the Triathlon and fun run are up already. Seems I got my best placing ever, 35th! Perhaps I should run on the same juice more often.

Day 12 - Sunday 29th June 08 (Kuta/Jimbaran)

"...AND HERE HE IS, NUMBER THREE - ZERO - FOUR... FROM AUSTRALIA... MR MIKE AKERMAN!! WOOOO. THE GUY WHO LOST HIS KEYS!! LOOK AT HIM GO! I BET THIS GUY WANTS TO RUN ANOTHER 5KM..."

~11am Whoa Jiggy! Let me tell ya, unless sharting becomes an Olympic event, I'll never again feel so much national pride. Here I was in Bali, proudly waving the psuedo flag for Australia in the 5km fun run. Now I know why it's called a fun run! To steal a quote from a favourite movie, I've seriously never had so much fun without lubricant. There is about 250 million people living in the Indonesian Archipelago and I swear I just high 5'd half of them. I didn't discriminate in the slightest... whether they were moms, dads, kids, babies, cripples or police with AK47s pointed at me, I gave them all the big high 5! I felt as good as Borat must have done when he returned to Kazakstan.

The plan last night was to have a few whiskeys, then go out for a few waters and have an early night in preparation for the run. Well, that was plan A. I went for plan B which was drink whiskey all night and catch a cab straight from the nightclub to the triathlon event in Jimbaran. Whoa Jig Jig Jiggy. What sort of freaking idiot has a crack at a 5km run while blind drunk and without sleep? If Superman can't, the Akerman can.

I don't even know where to begin with describing last night so I won't start. I'll begin with getting dropped off at Jimbaran this morning. Had no idea where I was or what I was doing but got pointed here n here to pick up my race number and join the masses to watch the start of the triathlon. Had I have known it was Olympic style (or standard) triathlon, I would have given it a shot. But nay, I thought it was the Ironman style triathlon and so I didn't even consider it.

The first swimmer was a few minutes ahead of the rest, he totally kicked some arse. During watching the swimmers come in, the Californian MC made a special announcement saying that if anyone has lost their Keys, to come forward as they have found a set. Yes, you guessed it, the inebriated idiot in the West Coast Eagles singlet had lost his keys in the sand and not even realised. Good work Akerz.

Day 11 - Saturday 28th June 08 (Kuta/Legian)

Went out and caught up with the boys again last night, this time determined not to get totally sloshed. I was reasonably successful. Had a few drinks before and during the footy, then at the Bounty, I had just two arak juice drinks followed by what seemed like 20 waters. I was telling everyone I had to drink water because I was in the triathlon on Sunday... which is maybe about 10% truth. Partnered with a londonite to play pool while some locals tried to hustle us. Maybe we should have played for money as we somehow beat them... although perhaps if there was money down, they might have played better.

Noticed some dude with a huge "CARPE DIEM" tattoo on his forearm, good effort sir, I salute you. The closest I've come to getting such a tattoo is a to-do list on the back of my hand. Further to my not-getting-a-bike-yet reasoning the other day, I met some dude from Melbourne whose nose and forehead were patched up. He came off his motorbike the first day of his trip, broke his nose and ripped open a muscle in his freaking head. Thing is, he says he rides motorbikes all the time... meanwhile, I've barely been on one. Saw some crazy foam party antics at the Bounty, about 50 drunk half naked girls sloshing around in what was basically a big bath tub. Yah, Saya Suka Bali.

At 3am after everyone else was hammered and getting jiggy with it, I had a couple more arak nightcaps just so I wasn't left out. That was probably a bad move after I was going so well. I'm a bit hungover again or rather, I have an arak attack headache and am sleep deprived (got back to the hotel just before sunrise). I think my body simply isn't used to processing rice wine and it's too old to start learning how. Maybe in the future, I'll stick to the beers, vodka & whiskey which my body is already very well acquainted with.

So anyway, slept late. Went walkies down to the supermarket and grabbed a truckload of various items. Scored some Vegemite! Not because I had cravings yet but because I've got an ulcer and the only cure that seems to work is to dab some vegemite on it (trust me, it stings but it works). Bought some strange looking avocados but found out later that regardless of how soft they felt, they're not ripe yet. Also grabbed a Mach 3 which is the best a man can get before he gets shipped to the monkey forest in Ubud. Why am I talking in riddles and why am I telling you my shopping list? Over n out.